We have decided to do it!
The one thing that both Wade and I thought over 2 years ago we would NEVER consider. Who does IVF (in vitr0 inferti!iz@tion)? Most of the people we know that have chosen IVF have had medical reasons for doing so and we are just unexplained. We both knew our path to having another baby may not be easy but we did not think we would NEED the help of doctors to have another child. Or even utilize the help of doctors to remove eggs from me, let those sweet lil eggs fertilize outside of me and then transfer them back to me. Lesson to us... BE OPEN to new things and know that life, that God can change or present you moments or obstacles that change how you feel, think and act. I think we may be a little hardheaded because we had lots of lessons this summer. Wade and I both know and have experienced how God can and will open doors and just because we are scared of something new and different, it does NOT make it a right or wrong decision. I know I am no longer scared of having a miscarriage because I know if I have to. I will survive and can get through it with the love of my husband and help from our family and friends.
Our decision to try IVF was NOT a decision we made quickly or without the thorough indepth study of research, MANY meetings and conversations with our RE's (repr0ductive end0crino!ogists). We also prayed for doors to be opened and answers to be revealed to us. Month after month after month of trying on our own. 2 years to be exact! Then the last 2 years we have lived through month after month of doctor visits, test after test, blood work, pills, injections and indepth through review of our medical history and background. We have endured almost 4 years of infertility. Four years of wanting to have a baby. Four years of hearing about numerous family and friends impeding pregnancies and then hearing about them having their babies. Hoping that "maybe" we will be next. Thank goodness I am not a jealous person (Thank you Lord!) because I have truly been thrilled for our family and friends and the little miracles that they have been so very blessed with.
We will be starting this phase of treatments in Jan with lots of faith and hope as well as a ton of fear. I am ScAreD of all the needles and blood work that will be in front of me. How I will or may I "act" while on all these hormones is also another concern. It's a good thing I did not know ALL the details to IVF before now because I may have run the other way. But, the money is gone now. The paperwork has been signed, mailed and delivered. We think our prayers have been answered and it feels right. We made our decision together so it's time to have a new experience. Others we know have utilized the help of doctors with IVF procedures. Some of those we know have had their one or two babies, others have one or several failed cycles. We do not want to continue to go on and on but we know we want to give it at least one try for now. It truly will be in Gods hands and we will take it one day and one step at a time.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Trusting your instincts and Answers to questions
Over two years ago I sat in a bathtub bawling after a full day of dealing with patient advocates at R@nd0lph. We were trying to get me into the inferti!ity program at Wi!ford H@ll or in to see an Ob/Gyn to see IF there was something wrong with me. We had already ruled out any possible issues with Wade so it was time to investigate my medical history. We needed to find out WHY we could not get pregnant after almost 2 years of trying every month. I was soaking in my bath when I became overwhelmed with emotions from the all the conversations and events. I was bawling nonstop and in walked Wade. He asked me "what was wrong." I shared with him how overcome I was with this uncontrollable fearful emotion that "the road we are about to take is going to be long and hard." Wade being sweet and optimistic leaned over and said... "we will find a way, and this process has just started, be hopeful!" Wow! That was over 2 years ago and here we are... still trying with the help of doctors.
Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality. (I am more of a realist.) The reality for me is we may never have another child. We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own. We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again. Yep. That reality - sucks! When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly. I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us. It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life. Including those in our families. This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being. On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall. OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade. Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am, they do enter my mind and make me wonder.
Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage. We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes. We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month". This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim. Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff. We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles. More injectibles! Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!! I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too. Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots. I wonder if he even imagined doing that? I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach. How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle? We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle. Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional. Awe, the waiting begins...
Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month? What does God have in store for us? I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now. Do you wonder how long I will hang in there? Do you wonder why I (or we) put myself through all of this? Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide? I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience. All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family. We get as educated as we can each month. I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens. I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us. I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be. That is all we can do." Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.
So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt? It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why? Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources. Weneed no, have to be at peace or in a place of comfort with the fact that we have tried the best we could to utilize all our current available resources, energy, etc to have our OWN child before we can consider moving onto someone else's child. And yes, we know there are many wonderful amazing children waiting for the right loving christian parents. We have seen and lived through this experience with a few of our dearest friends. But, This process and experience of trying for your own child is not one where you get a suggestion and run with it. Do you know the energy, time and expense that is invested into a cycle? That just touches the surface of what we are dealing with each month.
It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado. I was a mess! I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us. But, I gave myself time and I prayed. I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby! This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term. A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy. We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.
Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality. (I am more of a realist.) The reality for me is we may never have another child. We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own. We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again. Yep. That reality - sucks! When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly. I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us. It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life. Including those in our families. This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being. On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall. OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade. Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am, they do enter my mind and make me wonder.
Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage. We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes. We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month". This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim. Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff. We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles. More injectibles! Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!! I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too. Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots. I wonder if he even imagined doing that? I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach. How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle? We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle. Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional. Awe, the waiting begins...
Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month? What does God have in store for us? I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now. Do you wonder how long I will hang in there? Do you wonder why I (or we) put myself through all of this? Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide? I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience. All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family. We get as educated as we can each month. I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens. I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us. I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be. That is all we can do." Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.
So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt? It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why? Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources. We
It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado. I was a mess! I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us. But, I gave myself time and I prayed. I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby! This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term. A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy. We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Lack of Knowledge
I have learned as I have aged... There are times in our lives where we will not get answers to our questions. That is as long as we are here on earth. Never in my life has that phrase been more apparent to me than this past summer. Two major events took place in our life that rocked my world! They have changed the way I feel about everything. I am not sure what is going on in my family or why it seems every few months something else is changing. I am also not sure of some of the lessons we are to gain from these events But! It is changing the way we (Wade and I or at least the way I) think and the way we look at our stay here on earth. Nonetheless, these things are occurring and we are living through them. Praise the Lord. I know through many conversations that both Wade and I are operating in an overwhelmed, shaken nature these days and we are more aware of life on earth but we are taking tiny, little steps each second, minute, and day together. Right now, it's the only way I can survive each day.
Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite. What heart shattering, life altering experiences! I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months. I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place. I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss. Does it make it any easier? Definitely NOT! They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed. I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take. I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year." Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more? If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness. What would He want me to do?
Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it! I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven. Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again. Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them. Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying. She is due early March 2011.
Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite. What heart shattering, life altering experiences! I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months. I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place. I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss. Does it make it any easier? Definitely NOT! They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed. I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take. I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year." Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more? If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness. What would He want me to do?
Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it! I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven. Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again. Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them. Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying. She is due early March 2011.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Princess K's Room
(I purchased these letters, painted them white then glued the fabric on. The fabric is from the baby bedroom I put together in Little R0ck before we moved.)This post is for my SIL Heather who is currently working on her soon to be sweet baby girls nursery. We have been chatting together the last few weeks over this and that and I told her that I would post some pictures of K's room since she has not seen her room since it was transformed from a baby room to a big girl room two years ago. There are still a few small details that need to be fixed or taken care of but for the most part... it's together.
This is the only room in our house that I consider to be d.o.n.e. I have had fun finding all of the little nic knacks for K's room. I know it is a room that will be ever-evolving in our houses but that is okay because I LOVE to decorate. K's room was the first room in our house that I started decorating when we moved in and the first room that was finished in this house. You will notice from the pictures that some of them are dated from a few years ago.
This post is picture heavy but I designed it that way with a very specific purpose in mind. Insurance! Hopefully all of these pictures will help me to remember the specifics and give us the added benefit for documentation purposes when it is time to move again. If you think I am crazy please know we had an insurance claim around $20K when we moved here. It was Not fun or Pretty!
(this picture was taken today.)
(The picture on the wall was in my 1st apartment over my couch minus the boa)
(Mimi bought the canopy over the bed. We also used it around her crib too! )
(Aunt Carolyn purchased this chest and I recovered it and turned it into a toy chest which will hopefully be a hope chest one day.)
(the outfit and caterpillar are no longer in her room - sniff sniff)
( Papa bought the puppy dog b/c I had one as a little girl that was very similiar and this dog reminded him of my dog. He gave it to us the day we brought K home...Mothers Day 05. I fell in LOVE with this rug, knowing all the tea parties I wanted to have with K.)
(I see lots of make-up or dress up days here.)
(Nanna found this antique chair and I recovered it for her room.)
(Nana, my grandmother, made this basinett from my wedding gown train. One day it will be for K's children but for now it is a great bed for her babies.) 
(Vintage Cabbage Patch clothes for my cabbage patch doll that K now plays with and for the one she got for Christmas last year.) 
(This room was the 2nd room Wade put up crown molding in. He is very handy and I love that!)
(Some sweet friends from Pl*asant Valley church in Little R0ck gave me this and I cried when I read it - how very true it is and what a sweet memory to have of them!)
(These curtains took MONTHS to make but they scream princess and are a Perfect fit to her room!)
(The monogrammed pillow on the chair is from the baby crib bumpers Nana made. She made K's crib bedding too and it was hard to part with the bedding since it was so special to me so I had the monogrammed bumper made into a pillow after we moved K to her big girl bed.)
(I dreamed of a blue ceiling with clouds for her... blue skies and rainbows...)
(I love this grouping of pictures although I have since changed the larger picture on her bookcase but you can see our 1st sonogram picture of K - it shows her gorgeous face in utero.)Baby girl please know that I have loved every minute I have spent shopping for the special details in your room. There is a lot of love behind many of the items in here. One day I will tell you about all of them and where or who they came from.
We are ecstatic to meet both of the little girls coming into our family. It's going to be so much fun being together and watching them grow up. It's truly a blessing! I wish I was closer to help more with all the shopping, spoiling and babysitting but please know I am always willing to chat or squeeze in a quick trip for my family. Love you!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Joining a New Club
Please Note:
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog. Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!
I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.
I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now. My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning. Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours? I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more. And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep? I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.
"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now. Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.
Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days. No one in my family has had this experience. I am blessed to be the first for our family. I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss. I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience. Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep. As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel. And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.
I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant. In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant. My boobs are no longer tender and full. That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone! It's all completely gone! That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me. My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended. That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there. I do not want food. No food for me, thanks! My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.
I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way. We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped. I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now. We just received the news 12 hours ago. Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.
Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry! I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last? I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.
I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too. I know his heart probably aches for my pain. I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me. I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey. I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though. I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies. Not one successful time. With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss. Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!
So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club. I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.
Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years. I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog. Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!
I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.
I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now. My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning. Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours? I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more. And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep? I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.
"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now. Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.
Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days. No one in my family has had this experience. I am blessed to be the first for our family. I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss. I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience. Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep. As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel. And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.
I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant. In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant. My boobs are no longer tender and full. That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone! It's all completely gone! That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me. My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended. That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there. I do not want food. No food for me, thanks! My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.
I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way. We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped. I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now. We just received the news 12 hours ago. Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.
Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry! I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last? I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.
I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too. I know his heart probably aches for my pain. I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me. I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey. I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though. I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies. Not one successful time. With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss. Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!
So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club. I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.
Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years. I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
K's Birthday - Year Five Act Two
Wow! This girl knows how to party. I will give her that! I have NO idea where that comes from!?! Yeah right! We have been extremely extremely busy the last three weeks and K is hanging right beside me. She may not have the best personality at moments from all of our activities but I cannot blame her for a few meltdowns as active as we have been.
Note: I did not have my momma camera on me so I pushed my point & shoot to take what I wanted in the dark.
This weekend we have Wades dad, Pops, and Stephanie or Nanny as she is called coming in to see us. They are flying in on Friday and heading back to OK on Sunday after church. It will be a quick trip for them and us but it is wonderful that K will be able to celebrate her birthday with them.
Shortly after they landed and we unloaded everything at the house we decided to head down to the riverwalk for dinner and a night out. Boy was K in for another fun filled night! She sweetly asked her Pops and Nanny if they would take her on a Princess Carriage ride after dinner and they were delighted and jumped on the idea.
I was so excited to see her on the princess carriage (it was even pink and white) since we were throwing a princess party this year. How awesome! This was her first experience having a carriage ride and I personally think it was an awesome birthday gift.
Truth be known, I got very misty eyed as Pops, Nanny and K strolled off. I do not know why but I had visions of her leaving for college one day and getting married and riding off into the wild blue yonder. What was I thinking!?!?!! It so must have been the hormones! Wade snapped me back to reality though and helped me to quickly get over that thought.
She grinned and glowed as they left for the ride and then as they approached us some 30 minutes later she was still beaming. I was deeply happy for her. It was a special moment and memory she was having. Thank you Nanny and Pops, it was a great gift! You could not have made her birthday more special for her. We enjoyed our time with you guys and we hope to see you again soon.
A Birthday Princess must give some love to her favorite horse for the evening!
I know in 10 years this little princess will not look so small.
Note: I did not have my momma camera on me so I pushed my point & shoot to take what I wanted in the dark.
This weekend we have Wades dad, Pops, and Stephanie or Nanny as she is called coming in to see us. They are flying in on Friday and heading back to OK on Sunday after church. It will be a quick trip for them and us but it is wonderful that K will be able to celebrate her birthday with them.
Shortly after they landed and we unloaded everything at the house we decided to head down to the riverwalk for dinner and a night out. Boy was K in for another fun filled night! She sweetly asked her Pops and Nanny if they would take her on a Princess Carriage ride after dinner and they were delighted and jumped on the idea.
I was so excited to see her on the princess carriage (it was even pink and white) since we were throwing a princess party this year. How awesome! This was her first experience having a carriage ride and I personally think it was an awesome birthday gift.
Truth be known, I got very misty eyed as Pops, Nanny and K strolled off. I do not know why but I had visions of her leaving for college one day and getting married and riding off into the wild blue yonder. What was I thinking!?!?!! It so must have been the hormones! Wade snapped me back to reality though and helped me to quickly get over that thought.
She grinned and glowed as they left for the ride and then as they approached us some 30 minutes later she was still beaming. I was deeply happy for her. It was a special moment and memory she was having. Thank you Nanny and Pops, it was a great gift! You could not have made her birthday more special for her. We enjoyed our time with you guys and we hope to see you again soon.
A Birthday Princess must give some love to her favorite horse for the evening!
I know in 10 years this little princess will not look so small.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
K's Birthday - Year Five Act One
K is blessed with lots of family! It becomes very apparent how blessed she is when special occasions occur. This year her birthday was spread over the course of three weeks. Yep! Three weeks of partying like a rock star! This year she got to celebrate with each of her grandparents on a different weekend. I pray she does not look forward to that much birthday celebration time every year! YIKES!!!
Photo booth time with NannaOur first guests to come into town were Nanna (Debby) and Papaw (Don). Debby came in early to see the Fiest@ parade Thursday and Don drove in the following day. Saturday night Nanna asked K where she wanted to have her birthday dinner and K suggested Chuck E Ch*ese. We were tired from the previous week of activities and the busy day we had had but we all knew it was her birthday celebration so we headed out praying it would not be packed. Thankfully the location we picked was not too busy. There was plenty of room for me and Nanna to sit and enjoy a moment while K and the guys ran around playing their hearts out.
Wade and K in the photo booth 
As soon as we walked into the doors of Chuck E Ch*ese K told the check-in lady that it was her birthday. Since we were not having an actual birthday party, they placed a special sticker on her with her name and her age on it. They then gave her a few extra coins to spend on the games and told her that whenever Chuck E Ch*ese came out she was allowed to spend some special time with him.
This sweet little boy asked K to play air hockey with him. They were hilarious to watch and so sweet with each other. The boys dad even tried to give us half of his cup of coins because he was ready to go home and his son continued to say, "Daddy we still have some coins left to spend." These two laughed so much and played at least five games together before the boys dad gave up.
K played all the games! NON-STOP! And AGAIN and AGAIN! She barely took a minute to stop and eat her pizza. She would run and play a game or two and then come back to the table and get a drink and eat a few more bites then run and play some more. It was funny watching her go back and forth smiling all the while.
I think Papaw and Daddy had a BLAST too. It was harder keeping up with those two guys than it was K. I am not sure who was at the table to eat dinner longer though. K, Daddy or Papaw? We even had to drag the guys out the door. Both of them continued to say, "just one more game."
We came home to have a special chocolate cake that Nanna put together for K. Earlier in the week Nanna and K dropped by the C@ke ShOp and picked out the perfect cake that K wanted. It was a surprise to both of us that she wanted the chocolate one. Then, they headed over to our favorite store to look at possible cake topper options. Again, K surprised us by asking for a princess ballerina. As you can see the cake was really cute and K was extremely proud of it. She enjoyed every bit of the chocolate!
We enjoyed our fun family evening together, Thank You Nanna and Papaw. I'd say the birthday bash with you guys was a big hit!
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Fiesta Day, kind of?
It's Fiest@ time here in San An. What a fun time of year! And Boy, will I remember this event.
Notice the above handicap sign reads "Rainbow Parking" that is parking for K's class. Too cute!
K's Princess Bike
P@rkhills had their annual Fiest@ P@rade for the kids on Thursday. We missed it last year because we were on vacation so this year I was determined to not miss this one. It is K's last year at P@rkhills, how could I miss such an event? I will admit I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to do. I had an opportunity to stay and see K in the parade trekking along with her friends or take a quick trip with Wade back to S. Carolina for a business meeting he had. Although I love Ki@wah Island, the beach and relaxing there, I could not miss this event. Looking back it may have been a better decision to go with Wade though. I ended up hitting his car on the way out of the driveway that morning - AGAIN! I guess I did not get the message to slow down and pause before backing out of our garage a month ago. The good news is this time I just rubbed some love on his car instead of leaving love dents on mine! giggle giggle I truly feel like a huge idiot! I guess my car accident record has some new dates on it. I have had two accidents in a five week period (both involving my car and Wades) and then a huge gap spanning 10 years then another great gap spanning 9 years. I think the blessings would be that no one was hurt, they were very minor, that it was not in a new car and that it was not someone else that I hit. Plus, I had my mother in law, Wade's mom, Debby, in the car. She was wonderful to me. I was dumbfounded about it all and she continued to remind me of all the people who have had minor wrecks and that it was a minor repairable accident and that it happens to more people than I know. I realized she was right after a few hours... Thank you for being so supportive Debby. It was a blessing having you with us that day. Have I said I am hardheaded? I guess I needed that lesson twice!
K and Lindsey with other Rainbow classmates behind them.
Back to the Fiest@ Parade. sorry for the digression. All the preschool kids were asked to decorate a bike, trike or scooter to ride on. The 3 year olds decorated a float to pull or push with them as they walked the parade and the 2 year olds had on fiesta flowers with whistles or shakers. K and I looked through some pictures I found online from the parade of flowers that occurs during one of the fiest@ events and it was decided that... drum roll please... pink flowers were what she wanted to add to her bike with some blue and purple please. We headed to the d*llar store hoping to not spend too much money on everything and voila! We found what we needed at a good price - not free but reasonable for sure. K and I decorated her bike together on Wednesday. It was a fun little school project to work on during the day. Once we got to school K was asked by her teachers to be the leader for her class and she was extremely proud and happy to do so. She loves being given a responsibility. She peddled around the parking lot like a big girl with no incidents (unlike her mommy).
Debby, K and me~
After the parade was over, the P@rkhills staff gave each of the kiddos an icee-pop to enjoy. Can you see the concentration in the girls faces? It was a fiest@ day to remember for sure!
Notice the above handicap sign reads "Rainbow Parking" that is parking for K's class. Too cute!
K's Princess Bike
P@rkhills had their annual Fiest@ P@rade for the kids on Thursday. We missed it last year because we were on vacation so this year I was determined to not miss this one. It is K's last year at P@rkhills, how could I miss such an event? I will admit I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to do. I had an opportunity to stay and see K in the parade trekking along with her friends or take a quick trip with Wade back to S. Carolina for a business meeting he had. Although I love Ki@wah Island, the beach and relaxing there, I could not miss this event. Looking back it may have been a better decision to go with Wade though. I ended up hitting his car on the way out of the driveway that morning - AGAIN! I guess I did not get the message to slow down and pause before backing out of our garage a month ago. The good news is this time I just rubbed some love on his car instead of leaving love dents on mine! giggle giggle I truly feel like a huge idiot! I guess my car accident record has some new dates on it. I have had two accidents in a five week period (both involving my car and Wades) and then a huge gap spanning 10 years then another great gap spanning 9 years. I think the blessings would be that no one was hurt, they were very minor, that it was not in a new car and that it was not someone else that I hit. Plus, I had my mother in law, Wade's mom, Debby, in the car. She was wonderful to me. I was dumbfounded about it all and she continued to remind me of all the people who have had minor wrecks and that it was a minor repairable accident and that it happens to more people than I know. I realized she was right after a few hours... Thank you for being so supportive Debby. It was a blessing having you with us that day. Have I said I am hardheaded? I guess I needed that lesson twice!
K and Lindsey with other Rainbow classmates behind them.
Back to the Fiest@ Parade. sorry for the digression. All the preschool kids were asked to decorate a bike, trike or scooter to ride on. The 3 year olds decorated a float to pull or push with them as they walked the parade and the 2 year olds had on fiesta flowers with whistles or shakers. K and I looked through some pictures I found online from the parade of flowers that occurs during one of the fiest@ events and it was decided that... drum roll please... pink flowers were what she wanted to add to her bike with some blue and purple please. We headed to the d*llar store hoping to not spend too much money on everything and voila! We found what we needed at a good price - not free but reasonable for sure. K and I decorated her bike together on Wednesday. It was a fun little school project to work on during the day. Once we got to school K was asked by her teachers to be the leader for her class and she was extremely proud and happy to do so. She loves being given a responsibility. She peddled around the parking lot like a big girl with no incidents (unlike her mommy).
Debby, K and me~After the parade was over, the P@rkhills staff gave each of the kiddos an icee-pop to enjoy. Can you see the concentration in the girls faces? It was a fiest@ day to remember for sure!
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