Joining a New Club

Please Note:
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog.  Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!

I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.

I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now.  My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning.  Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours?   I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more.  And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep?  I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.

"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now.  Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.

Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days.  No one in my family has had this experience.  I am blessed to be the first for our family.  I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss.  I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience.  Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep.  As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel.  And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.

I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant.  In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant.  My boobs are no longer tender and full.  That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone!  It's all completely gone!  That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me.  My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended.  That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there.  I do not want food.  No food for me, thanks!  My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.

I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way.  We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped.  I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now.  We just received the news 12 hours ago.  Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.

Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry!  I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last?  I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.

I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too.  I know his heart probably aches for my pain.  I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me.  I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey.  I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though.  I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies.  Not one successful time.  With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss.  Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!

So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club.  I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.

Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years.  I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.

K's Birthday - Year Five Act Two

Wow! This girl knows how to party. I will give her that! I have NO idea where that comes from!?! Yeah right! We have been extremely extremely busy the last three weeks and K is hanging right beside me. She may not have the best personality at moments from all of our activities but I cannot blame her for a few meltdowns as active as we have been.


Note: I did not have my momma camera on me so I pushed my point & shoot to take what I wanted in the dark.

This weekend we have Wades dad, Pops, and Stephanie or Nanny as she is called coming in to see us. They are flying in on Friday and heading back to OK on Sunday after church. It will be a quick trip for them and us but it is wonderful that K will be able to celebrate her birthday with them.




Shortly after they landed and we unloaded everything at the house we decided to head down to the riverwalk for dinner and a night out. Boy was K in for another fun filled night! She sweetly asked her Pops and Nanny if they would take her on a Princess Carriage ride after dinner and they were delighted and jumped on the idea.





I was so excited to see her on the princess carriage (it was even pink and white) since we were throwing a princess party this year. How awesome! This was her first experience having a carriage ride and I personally think it was an awesome birthday gift.



Truth be known, I got very misty eyed as Pops, Nanny and K strolled off. I do not know why but I had visions of her leaving for college one day and getting married and riding off into the wild blue yonder. What was I thinking!?!?!! It so must have been the hormones! Wade snapped me back to reality though and helped me to quickly get over that thought.




She grinned and glowed as they left for the ride and then as they approached us some 30 minutes later she was still beaming. I was deeply happy for her. It was a special moment and memory she was having. Thank you Nanny and Pops, it was a great gift! You could not have made her birthday more special for her. We enjoyed our time with you guys and we hope to see you again soon.


A Birthday Princess must give some love to her favorite horse for the evening!


I know in 10 years this little princess will not look so small.

K's Birthday - Year Five Act One

K is blessed with lots of family! It becomes very apparent how blessed she is when special occasions occur. This year her birthday was spread over the course of three weeks. Yep! Three weeks of partying like a rock star! This year she got to celebrate with each of her grandparents on a different weekend. I pray she does not look forward to that much birthday celebration time every year! YIKES!!!

Photo booth time with Nanna

Our first guests to come into town were Nanna (Debby) and Papaw (Don). Debby came in early to see the Fiest@ parade Thursday and Don drove in the following day. Saturday night Nanna asked K where she wanted to have her birthday dinner and K suggested Chuck E Ch*ese. We were tired from the previous week of activities and the busy day we had had but we all knew it was her birthday celebration so we headed out praying it would not be packed. Thankfully the location we picked was not too busy. There was plenty of room for me and Nanna to sit and enjoy a moment while K and the guys ran around playing their hearts out.

Wade and K in the photo booth


As soon as we walked into the doors of Chuck E Ch*ese K told the check-in lady that it was her birthday. Since we were not having an actual birthday party, they placed a special sticker on her with her name and her age on it. They then gave her a few extra coins to spend on the games and told her that whenever Chuck E Ch*ese came out she was allowed to spend some special time with him.

This sweet little boy asked K to play air hockey with him. They were hilarious to watch and so sweet with each other. The boys dad even tried to give us half of his cup of coins because he was ready to go home and his son continued to say, "Daddy we still have some coins left to spend." These two laughed so much and played at least five games together before the boys dad gave up.



K played all the games! NON-STOP! And AGAIN and AGAIN! She barely took a minute to stop and eat her pizza. She would run and play a game or two and then come back to the table and get a drink and eat a few more bites then run and play some more. It was funny watching her go back and forth smiling all the while.



I think Papaw and Daddy had a BLAST too. It was harder keeping up with those two guys than it was K. I am not sure who was at the table to eat dinner longer though. K, Daddy or Papaw? We even had to drag the guys out the door. Both of them continued to say, "just one more game."




We came home to have a special chocolate cake that Nanna put together for K. Earlier in the week Nanna and K dropped by the C@ke ShOp and picked out the perfect cake that K wanted. It was a surprise to both of us that she wanted the chocolate one. Then, they headed over to our favorite store to look at possible cake topper options. Again, K surprised us by asking for a princess ballerina. As you can see the cake was really cute and K was extremely proud of it. She enjoyed every bit of the chocolate!



We enjoyed our fun family evening together, Thank You Nanna and Papaw. I'd say the birthday bash with you guys was a big hit!

A Fiesta Day, kind of?

It's Fiest@ time here in San An. What a fun time of year! And Boy, will I remember this event.

Notice the above handicap sign reads "Rainbow Parking" that is parking for K's class. Too cute!

K's Princess Bike



P@rkhills had their annual Fiest@ P@rade for the kids on Thursday. We missed it last year because we were on vacation so this year I was determined to not miss this one. It is K's last year at P@rkhills, how could I miss such an event? I will admit I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to do. I had an opportunity to stay and see K in the parade trekking along with her friends or take a quick trip with Wade back to S. Carolina for a business meeting he had. Although I love Ki@wah Island, the beach and relaxing there, I could not miss this event. Looking back it may have been a better decision to go with Wade though. I ended up hitting his car on the way out of the driveway that morning - AGAIN! I guess I did not get the message to slow down and pause before backing out of our garage a month ago. The good news is this time I just rubbed some love on his car instead of leaving love dents on mine! giggle giggle I truly feel like a huge idiot! I guess my car accident record has some new dates on it. I have had two accidents in a five week period (both involving my car and Wades) and then a huge gap spanning 10 years then another great gap spanning 9 years. I think the blessings would be that no one was hurt, they were very minor, that it was not in a new car and that it was not someone else that I hit. Plus, I had my mother in law, Wade's mom, Debby, in the car. She was wonderful to me. I was dumbfounded about it all and she continued to remind me of all the people who have had minor wrecks and that it was a minor repairable accident and that it happens to more people than I know. I realized she was right after a few hours... Thank you for being so supportive Debby. It was a blessing having you with us that day. Have I said I am hardheaded? I guess I needed that lesson twice!


K and Lindsey with other Rainbow classmates behind them.




Back to the Fiest@ Parade. sorry for the digression. All the preschool kids were asked to decorate a bike, trike or scooter to ride on. The 3 year olds decorated a float to pull or push with them as they walked the parade and the 2 year olds had on fiesta flowers with whistles or shakers. K and I looked through some pictures I found online from the parade of flowers that occurs during one of the fiest@ events and it was decided that... drum roll please... pink flowers were what she wanted to add to her bike with some blue and purple please. We headed to the d*llar store hoping to not spend too much money on everything and voila! We found what we needed at a good price - not free but reasonable for sure. K and I decorated her bike together on Wednesday. It was a fun little school project to work on during the day. Once we got to school K was asked by her teachers to be the leader for her class and she was extremely proud and happy to do so. She loves being given a responsibility. She peddled around the parking lot like a big girl with no incidents (unlike her mommy).

Debby, K and me~

After the parade was over, the P@rkhills staff gave each of the kiddos an icee-pop to enjoy. Can you see the concentration in the girls faces? It was a fiest@ day to remember for sure!

Household hoodlums!

K and I came home from a mommy and me book fairy event at church to discover that our two sweet little shih-tzus had NOT been SO SWEET.

We walked into the house and right away I felt something was wrong. K was standing very still and silently after she came into the house staring into our den. She was just standing and staring very, very quietly! You know there is something up when my child is still and or quiet! She did not move for what felt like a few minutes and then she said "OH NO! MOM!!!"

I think her silence and stillness must have resulted because she was trying to figure out what had happened. I have a feeling her brain was in overload thinking...Who did this? It was not me.
What were they doing or looking for? I don't know.
When did this happen? I don't remember seeing this before I left for dance.
Why did they get into my basket? I don't know!
Then I think she saw all the little pieces broken off of her plastic wind-ups toys and the chicks and rabbits everywhere and that was it. Shock must have set in and turned into frustration. Have you ever seen a 4 yr old chew out a dog? It truly was one of those things I wish I had on video! I actually had to walk out of the room once because I was giggling so hard. It really was sad what they did to her stuff and yet so funny to see it all. I definitely did not need to say anything to our dogs, K had it covered!



I am not sure who was more upset after we both cleaned up everything. K, from seeing her basket rampaged by her beloved dogs or me? I was sooo shocked. We have had an Easter basket on the floor the last three years and those dogs have NEVER gotten in to it. Go figure, I had a hunch the night before I loaded all the goodies in her basket but I just brushed off the instinct. I have a sneaky feeling that the chocolate fix the girls got two days previous to this ordeal took over their tiny taste buds and brains. They were going to open each and every one of those eggs no matter what. Look how carefully they opened them too! They did not crack or break one single egg. Amazing!!!



Update: I started this post back in Apr. It is now early May and our two sweet little girls were most definitely switched out with some other dogs at Easter! I have had more problems with them the past month than I have had in the past 8 years. WOW! I feel like I have another child in the house that is being left alone too much. It is constant these days. They are tearing up things... mostly K's toys or little things laying around the house or leaving their blessings in a room for us to discover. They have never behaved this way. They also brought fleas into our house. Lets just say I am a nut about little organisms and I cleaned like a crazy person for two days. I striped all the linens in the house, sprayed every inch of our interior flooring and begged Wade to spray our yard asap. OH WHAT FUN I HAVE HAD! I am being tested...at least I know that. The anticipation I have now walking into the house from being out.... is not fun most days. NUTS I say...just NUTS!!! They are 10 yrs old and although they gave us an amazing early parenting experience their first 2 years of life they have been wonderful dogs. Ask me about those early stories one day...amazing little things thought they could eat their way out of a room though our sheet rock. Needless to say, they are locked up now when we leave the house and their quarters are only getting smaller and smaller the more they try to resist me. Little do they know I was a first born and we 1st borns are not quitters! I too am hardheaded and I will not let them take over my house. Little hoodlums!

Easter Sunday

I love this holiday! It's all about love, sacrifice and being a christian. Things I think we all need to remember on a daily basis.

I also enjoy this holiday for the sweet memories I have as a child...hunting with friends for eggs, getting ready to go to church with my family and having lunch at my grandparents and seeing all my cousins. I can even recall the voice of our pastor while he was giving the sermon about the importance of the day and what we should be thankful for and how we should try to live our lives.



Life has presented a different Easter picture for our sweet little girl and I can only hope and pray she is blessed with many great memories of this holiday too. She may not get the family time with her grandparents and cousins (which she constantly asks for) but I hope she knows she is very loved, extremely special and that we are all proud of who she is becoming.

Thank you Nanny and Pops for the Easter card and gift. She loved receiving them and she wore her special jewelry all day Saturday and again on Sunday to church. Thank you Nanna and Papaw for the box of goodies. We are working on a card for you now and you can expect to see some princesses on it. Thank you Mimi and Papa for the card and the DVD. I have seen the fr0g princ* six times just this week. It's our new favorite musical. K sings the songs from the movie for hours afterwards. If I have not said it yet, it was extremely sweet of you all to mail her something. Thank you from Wade and I.






After church we had lunch together at the Chee$ec@ke F@ctory. Not your traditional meal but it was a nice lunch considering I did not have to come home and cook then clean it all up. We relaxed the rest of the afternoon, called all our families, colored some eggs together and then got ready for the church egg hunt that evening. Yep. That makes egg hunt #3 for the week. At the least, K should have many memories from all the egg hunts she goes to.

This egg will be........PINK!

Mom, please can I have some candy?!!!




NO Mommy! You are giving our hiding place away.
Playing hide n go seek from Jarrett.



*scroll down to check out K's other egg hunts on Apr 1 and Mar 31.

A Day to Celebrate and Reflect

Today is my Dad's Birthday. Happy Birthday Dad!!!



If someone were to ask me about my dad, I would describe him this way.
My dad is hard working. My whole life I have witnessed him working hard for our family. While Kyle and I were young it was in many, many ways. At home he was the fix-it handy man and actually not the Bil! C0sby type. He could fix whatever it was, lights, water leaks, paint, build whatever, tear apart, you name it. He was also handy outside the house as well. He has built many outdoor structures, landscaped many yards and taken care of our cars. It was nice knowing he could help if I messed something up or we needed something fixed. Even now I feel like I can call him for the little things and ask for an opinion. At church he taught for many years Sunday school to kids our age. He was also active in several sporting activities. Not only would he play on leagues but he coached more games than I can remember of Kyles soccer, football, basketball and baseball teams.

He is dependable. Even though he worked hard and traveled a lot. I cannot remember him missing a singing competition, modeling appointment, basketball game, track meet, band show, choir performance or pageant unless something really important was going on. It was comforting knowing my parents were there not only because they were physically there as our cheerleaders but also for the moral and constructive support.

Dad is also very level-headed. I think I can only recall a handful of times that I have seen or heard him mad. I'd say that is good. Many times during my working years I would call him for business advice or as a sounding board for something I was doing or thinking about. Thanks for being a good listerner dad.





Thanks for being hard working, dependable and level-headed. I could not have asked for more. You definitely set up an expectation for my future husband all those years ago. (I found him too.) I love you dad.



K wants to say... Papa you're a funny bunny! (a phrase they use with each other) She loves to play with you and tease you. Thank you for taking care of all the bees. She is happy you married her Mimi and are taking care of her. She thinks you are kind and she says she loves you. (blowing kisses)



K and I recorded a birthday message to him yesterday after church and we really wanted to email it to him today but it seems the file is way too big. We cannot get it to compress any...thank goodness I have a blog. We'll post that puppy here and let the world know...it's your birthday dad! Enjoy your cake and have a piece for us and some ice cream too! We all hope you have a wonderful Birthday. Sorry we cannot take you to dinner or sing to you in person. We Love you and hope to see you soon. Hugs



Probably not the best idea to let K eat that big ole marshmellow cookie right before recording that video.