Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Joining a New Club

Please Note:
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog.  Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!

I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.

I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now.  My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning.  Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours?   I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more.  And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep?  I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.

"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now.  Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.

Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days.  No one in my family has had this experience.  I am blessed to be the first for our family.  I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss.  I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience.  Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep.  As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel.  And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.

I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant.  In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant.  My boobs are no longer tender and full.  That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone!  It's all completely gone!  That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me.  My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended.  That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there.  I do not want food.  No food for me, thanks!  My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.

I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way.  We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped.  I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now.  We just received the news 12 hours ago.  Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.

Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry!  I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last?  I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.

I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too.  I know his heart probably aches for my pain.  I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me.  I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey.  I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though.  I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies.  Not one successful time.  With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss.  Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!

So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club.  I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.

Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years.  I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.