My uncle Brian emailed W and I this very sweet and thoughtful letter while we were in the midst of some hard days. We were trying to figure out what God wanted us to do...what was the "right" thing to do according to His word, what was best for our family and for my health. This letter shocked both of us in a positive way. It was amazing having a family member reach out and tell us "Don't give up." God was wonderful to us because He worked through Brian at just the right time.
A few weeks after Brian left us here on earth I re-found this message. To this day, this message means more than I can explain to both W and I and it once again had amazing timing when I read it. I will cherish this for the rest of my days.
We know you are in better hands Brian but you are and will be missed here. We will remember you! Thank you for touching our lives, being such a strong Christian and being my uncle. Love, K
Here is a portion of the letter...
From: Brian E. Sn0dgrass
Sent: Friday, February 26, 2010 12:09 PM
To: 3adairs@satx.rr.com
Subject: Our Request for New Life
Wade and Kristi,
Don’t Give Up!
Psalms 37: Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. …and what a priceless desire.
A Prayer for New Life
Heavenly Father, I come into Your presence to intercede on behalf of Kristin and Wade Adair in their efforts to conceive new life. We pray these things in faith believing, You, Heavenly Father are the Creator of everything seen and unseen. Thank you, for the gift to W and K of little K. It is their earnest desire to give her a sibling, and in doing so, praising you and glorifying your Holy Name.
I pray that, “the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, may move close to the Adairs and make your face to shine on us on them. Please intervene supernaturally and grant their request for new life, ensuring successful conception and full term delivery to birth and that all physical attributes are normal and healthy in every way for the baby. We speak a blessing unto Kristi that she be granted good health throughout the pregnancy in provision for the baby. Please protect Kristi and the new life she will carry. Surround Kristi with that protection and love. Let her know You are always there.
We understand the magnitude of this request and pledge undying commitment and praise to you.
We pray that this child live a long and healthy life in you. We pray that “the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto this child, “the eyes of your understanding and be enlightened, that this child may know what is the Hope of His calling, and the riches of the glory of His inheritance,…and what is the exceeding greatness of His power to us who believe.”
Thank you Jehovah Jireh, our Provider. Thank you, Jehovah Shalom, our Peace, Jehova - Nissi, Our Victory! “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you”,
W and K, “with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!”
Thank you, Father.
In Christ’s Holy Name, Amen"
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Decision Made
I have found some peace. Don't get me wrong. I am still wounded and troubled on occassion by many small reminders but otherwise I feel good about our decision and what is next in our life and road together.
We will try IVF again. Not tomorrow because right now, it's a matter of waiting. We need to get the money together "once again." Then we will also have to wait our turn at the clinic. Wi!ford Ha!l does not schedule appointments for IVF patients every month. They do their IVF procedures in Jan, Apr and Aug of each year. They see 3 to 4 groups (weeks) of IVF patients. I have No Idea how many total patients they see a day or month but I know they have long. crazy. busy. days during IVF cycles. These doctors still continue to see their IUI patients as well as perform any other hospital functions such as making rounds, weekend calls, dealing with any patient pressing issues and seeing "new patients."
After W and I gave ourselves time to think and heal from this failed cycle, we decided we would like to try IVF one more time. Here is our thought... I am not getting any younger. Yes, people over 40 have children all the time. But, Do I want to be pregnant over 40? No, not really, but you know, I trust God. God has a plan for our family and if his plan for us is to spend quality time with K and grow together even more before we add to our lil nest, then I will accept it. Even at the ripe age of 40. It is so funny to me how our opinions and views can change or grow on some issues. Right now, what was My Plan has not worked out. I would have had our 3 kids and a beautiful busy life if we were living according to my dream. But, there is a purpose greater than I can see... I know that! Do I like it that my plan is not falling into place? I will answer that with a question. Can I change it? No, I have tried! I am hardheaded and it seems possible that God needed me to hit the wall a few times before I was still enough to listen to him on this topic. I can now see that my desire, monterary means, age, stress, weight, etc etc can not change any of what I have or do not have currently. I thought I knew all that but I now think God needed W and I to grow closer to each other again and to Him again. Are we being tested and molded into something new? Something greater?
What I can change and will prepare for this next time is to have a positive outlook. We will not give up yet. God said our road here on earth will not be easy all the time. This could possibly be "our time" to show our faith, our persistence and some grace. I have also researched a lot and discovered if I want to "help" myself some, I may be able to add a few supplements to my daily routine to possibly help my egg quality. I am also leaning toward checking out acupuncture. I have had several friends who have utilized these services with great success and positive outcomes. I figure I will also try to lose a few pounds the next few months before it's our time to cycle again. Can't hurt, right! I know I have been told repeatedly about no dieting becasue it can greatly change your numbers and affect your egg quality or quantity but I am not going to be extreme and try to starve myself or anything. I think I will try to be smarter about what I am eating and HOW MUCH. Stepping away from the table a bit sooner should help, right?
That's the decision we have made for now. We think we will be asked to be a part of the April cycle but we are not certain about that. The doctors will give us a call when they start planning for the next cycle.
We will try IVF again. Not tomorrow because right now, it's a matter of waiting. We need to get the money together "once again." Then we will also have to wait our turn at the clinic. Wi!ford Ha!l does not schedule appointments for IVF patients every month. They do their IVF procedures in Jan, Apr and Aug of each year. They see 3 to 4 groups (weeks) of IVF patients. I have No Idea how many total patients they see a day or month but I know they have long. crazy. busy. days during IVF cycles. These doctors still continue to see their IUI patients as well as perform any other hospital functions such as making rounds, weekend calls, dealing with any patient pressing issues and seeing "new patients."
After W and I gave ourselves time to think and heal from this failed cycle, we decided we would like to try IVF one more time. Here is our thought... I am not getting any younger. Yes, people over 40 have children all the time. But, Do I want to be pregnant over 40? No, not really, but you know, I trust God. God has a plan for our family and if his plan for us is to spend quality time with K and grow together even more before we add to our lil nest, then I will accept it. Even at the ripe age of 40. It is so funny to me how our opinions and views can change or grow on some issues. Right now, what was My Plan has not worked out. I would have had our 3 kids and a beautiful busy life if we were living according to my dream. But, there is a purpose greater than I can see... I know that! Do I like it that my plan is not falling into place? I will answer that with a question. Can I change it? No, I have tried! I am hardheaded and it seems possible that God needed me to hit the wall a few times before I was still enough to listen to him on this topic. I can now see that my desire, monterary means, age, stress, weight, etc etc can not change any of what I have or do not have currently. I thought I knew all that but I now think God needed W and I to grow closer to each other again and to Him again. Are we being tested and molded into something new? Something greater?
What I can change and will prepare for this next time is to have a positive outlook. We will not give up yet. God said our road here on earth will not be easy all the time. This could possibly be "our time" to show our faith, our persistence and some grace. I have also researched a lot and discovered if I want to "help" myself some, I may be able to add a few supplements to my daily routine to possibly help my egg quality. I am also leaning toward checking out acupuncture. I have had several friends who have utilized these services with great success and positive outcomes. I figure I will also try to lose a few pounds the next few months before it's our time to cycle again. Can't hurt, right! I know I have been told repeatedly about no dieting becasue it can greatly change your numbers and affect your egg quality or quantity but I am not going to be extreme and try to starve myself or anything. I think I will try to be smarter about what I am eating and HOW MUCH. Stepping away from the table a bit sooner should help, right?
That's the decision we have made for now. We think we will be asked to be a part of the April cycle but we are not certain about that. The doctors will give us a call when they start planning for the next cycle.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Decisions
I got the call. Dr. R called today at 1:17 (right before I had to leave to pick up K- ugh). I knew the answer that was coming but hearing it from him ...my doctor... the one who preformed all the procedures, was a whole different experience. We are heartbroken but I had a feeling this was coming.
This is a really hard thing to understand and deal with but Wade and I have been through a BFN (big fat Negative - that is actually a medical term believe it or not) 6 other times after all our IUIs failed so we will be ok after the shock and frustration wears off. We have also dealt with having to cancel a few cycles due to active cysts growing on my ovaries from all the meds. And, the one month we did get a BFP (big fat positive) we ended up dealing with the loss of a baby just a day before I turned 9 weeks pg. That was sooooo much harder than finding out it never happened. It will take time and I know distractions, K, and God can help us keep our minds busy and focused on the here and now.
Looking back, IVF was a wonderful experience for us. It may be controversial for some but I/we have had a positive experience throughout it. The staff was wonderful and supportive (we actually miss them when we are not in the clinic each month), our doctors are truthful and easy to communicate with and we felt God was walking with us on occasion. I recovered VERY quickly from the retrieval and although the injections are NOT my favorite part of the process, they were not that bad. Thank you to my sweet, strong, courageous steady handed husband. You were wonderful! A++ honey. IVF is also a very indepth procedure that gives the participants a lot more information than is available in any other procedure or reports. We walked away with more info than we had before doing IVF. It has given us some insights to consider and pray on. Now, we have a lot of talking, praying and soul searching to do the next few weeks and possibly months. I did get to talk to Dr. R on the phone for a full 20 minutes and he was very open and honest.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for the love, support and encouragement prayers and hugs. We really needed them and we have felt so uplifted by many of you. Please pray for God to guide us and REVEAL his path to us and that our hearts are open and our brains and ears are listening. God truly is in control. Even in in virt* ferti!iz@tion. There are many moments during the process that He can and probably does change outcomes. Hugs to each of you. We love you!
This is a really hard thing to understand and deal with but Wade and I have been through a BFN (big fat Negative - that is actually a medical term believe it or not) 6 other times after all our IUIs failed so we will be ok after the shock and frustration wears off. We have also dealt with having to cancel a few cycles due to active cysts growing on my ovaries from all the meds. And, the one month we did get a BFP (big fat positive) we ended up dealing with the loss of a baby just a day before I turned 9 weeks pg. That was sooooo much harder than finding out it never happened. It will take time and I know distractions, K, and God can help us keep our minds busy and focused on the here and now.
Looking back, IVF was a wonderful experience for us. It may be controversial for some but I/we have had a positive experience throughout it. The staff was wonderful and supportive (we actually miss them when we are not in the clinic each month), our doctors are truthful and easy to communicate with and we felt God was walking with us on occasion. I recovered VERY quickly from the retrieval and although the injections are NOT my favorite part of the process, they were not that bad. Thank you to my sweet, strong, courageous steady handed husband. You were wonderful! A++ honey. IVF is also a very indepth procedure that gives the participants a lot more information than is available in any other procedure or reports. We walked away with more info than we had before doing IVF. It has given us some insights to consider and pray on. Now, we have a lot of talking, praying and soul searching to do the next few weeks and possibly months. I did get to talk to Dr. R on the phone for a full 20 minutes and he was very open and honest.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for the love, support and encouragement prayers and hugs. We really needed them and we have felt so uplifted by many of you. Please pray for God to guide us and REVEAL his path to us and that our hearts are open and our brains and ears are listening. God truly is in control. Even in in virt* ferti!iz@tion. There are many moments during the process that He can and probably does change outcomes. Hugs to each of you. We love you!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Data and Numbers
Update, update!
4dp3dt (4 days post 3 day transfer)
We transferred back a total of 3 eggs. 3 eggs, you say! There was a reason. We went into the transfer appointment Thursday knowing we only wanted 2 eggs transferred but a decision was placed in front of us.
Let's give you a little background info. On Monday after my ER (egg retri*val) Dr. R told us I did wonderful and we got 6 eggs total. We did not opt to freeze any eggs so we did not retreive as many eggs as most couples normally do. Dr R was not sure how 1 of our 6 eggs would develop because it was immature (meaning under-developed). It did sluff off within 24 hrs before fertilization could occur. That left us with a total of 5 eggs on Tuesday. When the clinic called us Tuesday afternoon for the 24-hour embryo update and a follow up on how I was feeling Dr. R said 4 eggs were fertilized. Yippee! He also said 1 of the eggs did not get fertilized. He then asked us to prepare for our ET (egg transfer) on Day 3 which would be on Thursday Feb 3. Total eggs now possibly growing = 3. We have 3 little embabies possibly growing in the lab. Wade wants to go sleep in the room with them and encourage them along. I'd just like to see them and whisper sweet dreams and promises to them.
When we showed up for our consult on Thursday prior to the transfer, Dr. R shared how we had some decisions to make. He talked extensively with us about some results, data, statistics, and philosophically as well about embryo quality, implantation, etc. He was very candid and sincere. I even asked if this was his wife what he would do. Doctors always LOVE that question! Our decision was to decide on the number of eggs we want transferred back in. We had 1 of our remaining 3 eggs that more than likely was not healthy. It did not grade very well compared to our other two eggs and had a very small chance of implantating.
The egg in question was a 5 cell C with 60% fragmentation. The other two were 6 cell C's with 20% fragmentation and 25% fragmentation. Dr. R said we had about a 35% chance of getting pregnant this cycle. Those numbers may not seem great to you but WOW! That is double the success from our past IUI experiences.
Now, a 5 cell embryo is not a terrible egg. It can implant and has been known to implant but the 5 cells coupled with all the other statistics (fragmentation) it had, it made the chances (<1%) to implant highly improbable. Most eggs need to be somewhere between 6 to 8 cells or more by Day 3 of development to implant properly. It was also graded a C because it had some differences in the size of the dividing cells. Typically they need to be somewhat similar in size, round not oblong or irregular. The worst factor for that third egg was it had 60% fragmentation which meant it possibly had some DNA issues. An egg that is more than 25% fragmented has pieces of the cells broken off inside the egg which does not allow it to stick to the uterus lining very well if at all. There was a chance it could stick and implant because it has happened before but it would be highly unlikely. Another aspect Dr R asked us to consider was if it did implant, it could repair itself and everything would be okay or we could miscarry. Dr R also said it is thought that these eggs could have some semblance between them and that it could encourage the other 2 eggs to implant. That info with the fact that the egg would just be tossed if we did not transfer it, helped Wade and I decide that we had to have faith and trust God to take care of us. So, leap of faith time! We put all three of those embabies back in utero and prayed for the best.
He knows what we can handle. Time to step up once again and Trust in Him.
Today I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I have 3 embabies on board. I am resting as much as one can with a child in the house and my Type A personality. We are excited, faithful, prayerful, hopeful but realistic. Only God knows our hearts. Only God knows our future.
4dp3dt (4 days post 3 day transfer)
We transferred back a total of 3 eggs. 3 eggs, you say! There was a reason. We went into the transfer appointment Thursday knowing we only wanted 2 eggs transferred but a decision was placed in front of us.
Let's give you a little background info. On Monday after my ER (egg retri*val) Dr. R told us I did wonderful and we got 6 eggs total. We did not opt to freeze any eggs so we did not retreive as many eggs as most couples normally do. Dr R was not sure how 1 of our 6 eggs would develop because it was immature (meaning under-developed). It did sluff off within 24 hrs before fertilization could occur. That left us with a total of 5 eggs on Tuesday. When the clinic called us Tuesday afternoon for the 24-hour embryo update and a follow up on how I was feeling Dr. R said 4 eggs were fertilized. Yippee! He also said 1 of the eggs did not get fertilized. He then asked us to prepare for our ET (egg transfer) on Day 3 which would be on Thursday Feb 3. Total eggs now possibly growing = 3. We have 3 little embabies possibly growing in the lab. Wade wants to go sleep in the room with them and encourage them along. I'd just like to see them and whisper sweet dreams and promises to them.
When we showed up for our consult on Thursday prior to the transfer, Dr. R shared how we had some decisions to make. He talked extensively with us about some results, data, statistics, and philosophically as well about embryo quality, implantation, etc. He was very candid and sincere. I even asked if this was his wife what he would do. Doctors always LOVE that question! Our decision was to decide on the number of eggs we want transferred back in. We had 1 of our remaining 3 eggs that more than likely was not healthy. It did not grade very well compared to our other two eggs and had a very small chance of implantating.
The egg in question was a 5 cell C with 60% fragmentation. The other two were 6 cell C's with 20% fragmentation and 25% fragmentation. Dr. R said we had about a 35% chance of getting pregnant this cycle. Those numbers may not seem great to you but WOW! That is double the success from our past IUI experiences.
Now, a 5 cell embryo is not a terrible egg. It can implant and has been known to implant but the 5 cells coupled with all the other statistics (fragmentation) it had, it made the chances (<1%) to implant highly improbable. Most eggs need to be somewhere between 6 to 8 cells or more by Day 3 of development to implant properly. It was also graded a C because it had some differences in the size of the dividing cells. Typically they need to be somewhat similar in size, round not oblong or irregular. The worst factor for that third egg was it had 60% fragmentation which meant it possibly had some DNA issues. An egg that is more than 25% fragmented has pieces of the cells broken off inside the egg which does not allow it to stick to the uterus lining very well if at all. There was a chance it could stick and implant because it has happened before but it would be highly unlikely. Another aspect Dr R asked us to consider was if it did implant, it could repair itself and everything would be okay or we could miscarry. Dr R also said it is thought that these eggs could have some semblance between them and that it could encourage the other 2 eggs to implant. That info with the fact that the egg would just be tossed if we did not transfer it, helped Wade and I decide that we had to have faith and trust God to take care of us. So, leap of faith time! We put all three of those embabies back in utero and prayed for the best.
He knows what we can handle. Time to step up once again and Trust in Him.
Today I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I have 3 embabies on board. I am resting as much as one can with a child in the house and my Type A personality. We are excited, faithful, prayerful, hopeful but realistic. Only God knows our hearts. Only God knows our future.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Ready Set Go
I made it! I know this picture is very personal but I am proud of myself for getting through these needles. I had a meltdown after Day 1 because I was not so sure I could handle all of them. I am growing! I know it may seem pretty odd that I took a picture of my stomach with permanent marker all over it too. The past few cycles Wade and I have been writing messages after each shot to mix it up and have some fun with all the needles and this process. It's our way of lightening the situation. some examples of messages include...B-Boy, G-Girl, Happy Faces or Circles for lil eggs. I am proud to be at this point. I made it to a place where I never thought I'd feel comfortable. Injections are still Not my favorite thing to do in this world but I had a wonderful nurse. Mr Wade! We are ready for our ER (egg retrieval) on Monday. I have had 23 injections to date (over the course of 9 days) while consuming 4 meds this past week. One of which I was taking every 6 hours and had to wake at night to take it. I think I was more worn out from that every evening than all the injections. Needless to say, I now know that I can make it through all these injections if I have to. Thank you Lord for the peace, strength and comfort. Thank you Wade for your love and support.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Coming Full Circle
We have decided to do it!
The one thing that both Wade and I thought over 2 years ago we would NEVER consider. Who does IVF (in vitr0 inferti!iz@tion)? Most of the people we know that have chosen IVF have had medical reasons for doing so and we are just unexplained. We both knew our path to having another baby may not be easy but we did not think we would NEED the help of doctors to have another child. Or even utilize the help of doctors to remove eggs from me, let those sweet lil eggs fertilize outside of me and then transfer them back to me. Lesson to us... BE OPEN to new things and know that life, that God can change or present you moments or obstacles that change how you feel, think and act. I think we may be a little hardheaded because we had lots of lessons this summer. Wade and I both know and have experienced how God can and will open doors and just because we are scared of something new and different, it does NOT make it a right or wrong decision. I know I am no longer scared of having a miscarriage because I know if I have to. I will survive and can get through it with the love of my husband and help from our family and friends.
Our decision to try IVF was NOT a decision we made quickly or without the thorough indepth study of research, MANY meetings and conversations with our RE's (repr0ductive end0crino!ogists). We also prayed for doors to be opened and answers to be revealed to us. Month after month after month of trying on our own. 2 years to be exact! Then the last 2 years we have lived through month after month of doctor visits, test after test, blood work, pills, injections and indepth through review of our medical history and background. We have endured almost 4 years of infertility. Four years of wanting to have a baby. Four years of hearing about numerous family and friends impeding pregnancies and then hearing about them having their babies. Hoping that "maybe" we will be next. Thank goodness I am not a jealous person (Thank you Lord!) because I have truly been thrilled for our family and friends and the little miracles that they have been so very blessed with.
We will be starting this phase of treatments in Jan with lots of faith and hope as well as a ton of fear. I am ScAreD of all the needles and blood work that will be in front of me. How I will or may I "act" while on all these hormones is also another concern. It's a good thing I did not know ALL the details to IVF before now because I may have run the other way. But, the money is gone now. The paperwork has been signed, mailed and delivered. We think our prayers have been answered and it feels right. We made our decision together so it's time to have a new experience. Others we know have utilized the help of doctors with IVF procedures. Some of those we know have had their one or two babies, others have one or several failed cycles. We do not want to continue to go on and on but we know we want to give it at least one try for now. It truly will be in Gods hands and we will take it one day and one step at a time.
The one thing that both Wade and I thought over 2 years ago we would NEVER consider. Who does IVF (in vitr0 inferti!iz@tion)? Most of the people we know that have chosen IVF have had medical reasons for doing so and we are just unexplained. We both knew our path to having another baby may not be easy but we did not think we would NEED the help of doctors to have another child. Or even utilize the help of doctors to remove eggs from me, let those sweet lil eggs fertilize outside of me and then transfer them back to me. Lesson to us... BE OPEN to new things and know that life, that God can change or present you moments or obstacles that change how you feel, think and act. I think we may be a little hardheaded because we had lots of lessons this summer. Wade and I both know and have experienced how God can and will open doors and just because we are scared of something new and different, it does NOT make it a right or wrong decision. I know I am no longer scared of having a miscarriage because I know if I have to. I will survive and can get through it with the love of my husband and help from our family and friends.
Our decision to try IVF was NOT a decision we made quickly or without the thorough indepth study of research, MANY meetings and conversations with our RE's (repr0ductive end0crino!ogists). We also prayed for doors to be opened and answers to be revealed to us. Month after month after month of trying on our own. 2 years to be exact! Then the last 2 years we have lived through month after month of doctor visits, test after test, blood work, pills, injections and indepth through review of our medical history and background. We have endured almost 4 years of infertility. Four years of wanting to have a baby. Four years of hearing about numerous family and friends impeding pregnancies and then hearing about them having their babies. Hoping that "maybe" we will be next. Thank goodness I am not a jealous person (Thank you Lord!) because I have truly been thrilled for our family and friends and the little miracles that they have been so very blessed with.
We will be starting this phase of treatments in Jan with lots of faith and hope as well as a ton of fear. I am ScAreD of all the needles and blood work that will be in front of me. How I will or may I "act" while on all these hormones is also another concern. It's a good thing I did not know ALL the details to IVF before now because I may have run the other way. But, the money is gone now. The paperwork has been signed, mailed and delivered. We think our prayers have been answered and it feels right. We made our decision together so it's time to have a new experience. Others we know have utilized the help of doctors with IVF procedures. Some of those we know have had their one or two babies, others have one or several failed cycles. We do not want to continue to go on and on but we know we want to give it at least one try for now. It truly will be in Gods hands and we will take it one day and one step at a time.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Trusting your instincts and Answers to questions
Over two years ago I sat in a bathtub bawling after a full day of dealing with patient advocates at R@nd0lph. We were trying to get me into the inferti!ity program at Wi!ford H@ll or in to see an Ob/Gyn to see IF there was something wrong with me. We had already ruled out any possible issues with Wade so it was time to investigate my medical history. We needed to find out WHY we could not get pregnant after almost 2 years of trying every month. I was soaking in my bath when I became overwhelmed with emotions from the all the conversations and events. I was bawling nonstop and in walked Wade. He asked me "what was wrong." I shared with him how overcome I was with this uncontrollable fearful emotion that "the road we are about to take is going to be long and hard." Wade being sweet and optimistic leaned over and said... "we will find a way, and this process has just started, be hopeful!" Wow! That was over 2 years ago and here we are... still trying with the help of doctors.
Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality. (I am more of a realist.) The reality for me is we may never have another child. We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own. We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again. Yep. That reality - sucks! When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly. I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us. It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life. Including those in our families. This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being. On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall. OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade. Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am, they do enter my mind and make me wonder.
Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage. We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes. We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month". This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim. Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff. We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles. More injectibles! Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!! I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too. Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots. I wonder if he even imagined doing that? I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach. How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle? We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle. Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional. Awe, the waiting begins...
Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month? What does God have in store for us? I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now. Do you wonder how long I will hang in there? Do you wonder why I (or we) put myself through all of this? Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide? I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience. All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family. We get as educated as we can each month. I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens. I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us. I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be. That is all we can do." Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.
So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt? It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why? Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources. Weneed no, have to be at peace or in a place of comfort with the fact that we have tried the best we could to utilize all our current available resources, energy, etc to have our OWN child before we can consider moving onto someone else's child. And yes, we know there are many wonderful amazing children waiting for the right loving christian parents. We have seen and lived through this experience with a few of our dearest friends. But, This process and experience of trying for your own child is not one where you get a suggestion and run with it. Do you know the energy, time and expense that is invested into a cycle? That just touches the surface of what we are dealing with each month.
It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado. I was a mess! I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us. But, I gave myself time and I prayed. I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby! This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term. A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy. We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.
Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality. (I am more of a realist.) The reality for me is we may never have another child. We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own. We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again. Yep. That reality - sucks! When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly. I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us. It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life. Including those in our families. This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being. On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall. OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade. Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am, they do enter my mind and make me wonder.
Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage. We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes. We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month". This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim. Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff. We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles. More injectibles! Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!! I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too. Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots. I wonder if he even imagined doing that? I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach. How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle? We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle. Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional. Awe, the waiting begins...
Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month? What does God have in store for us? I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now. Do you wonder how long I will hang in there? Do you wonder why I (or we) put myself through all of this? Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide? I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience. All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family. We get as educated as we can each month. I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens. I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us. I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be. That is all we can do." Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.
So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt? It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why? Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources. We
It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado. I was a mess! I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us. But, I gave myself time and I prayed. I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby! This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term. A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy. We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Lack of Knowledge
I have learned as I have aged... There are times in our lives where we will not get answers to our questions. That is as long as we are here on earth. Never in my life has that phrase been more apparent to me than this past summer. Two major events took place in our life that rocked my world! They have changed the way I feel about everything. I am not sure what is going on in my family or why it seems every few months something else is changing. I am also not sure of some of the lessons we are to gain from these events But! It is changing the way we (Wade and I or at least the way I) think and the way we look at our stay here on earth. Nonetheless, these things are occurring and we are living through them. Praise the Lord. I know through many conversations that both Wade and I are operating in an overwhelmed, shaken nature these days and we are more aware of life on earth but we are taking tiny, little steps each second, minute, and day together. Right now, it's the only way I can survive each day.
Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite. What heart shattering, life altering experiences! I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months. I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place. I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss. Does it make it any easier? Definitely NOT! They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed. I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take. I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year." Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more? If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness. What would He want me to do?
Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it! I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven. Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again. Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them. Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying. She is due early March 2011.
Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite. What heart shattering, life altering experiences! I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months. I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place. I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss. Does it make it any easier? Definitely NOT! They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed. I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take. I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year." Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more? If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness. What would He want me to do?
Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it! I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven. Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again. Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them. Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying. She is due early March 2011.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Joining a New Club
Please Note:
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog. Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!
I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.
I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now. My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning. Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours? I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more. And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep? I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.
"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now. Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.
Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days. No one in my family has had this experience. I am blessed to be the first for our family. I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss. I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience. Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep. As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel. And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.
I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant. In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant. My boobs are no longer tender and full. That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone! It's all completely gone! That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me. My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended. That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there. I do not want food. No food for me, thanks! My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.
I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way. We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped. I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now. We just received the news 12 hours ago. Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.
Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry! I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last? I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.
I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too. I know his heart probably aches for my pain. I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me. I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey. I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though. I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies. Not one successful time. With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss. Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!
So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club. I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.
Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years. I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.
Do not read this if you are not ready for the raw emotions. The words and emotions on this page are raw and real. I sincerely needed to express some emotions and I am beginning to wonder if I needed to come out and be more open about our journey the past few years since this is our family blog. Life is beautiful and a blessing to me on most days but today ... today my world is shattered and in pieces!
I awoke this morning at 6:30am in a new world. I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am having a new life experience. It is an experience that I wish NO ONE would have to experience. It is ugly, it is not fun and it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life.
I do not want to go back to sleep. It truly is too hard to sleep right now. My mind even feels like it cannot stop spinning. Seriously, Did I really sleep the past 4 hours? I'm not sure my mind will relax enough to allow me to sleep any more. And. I wonder when this will pass and I can sleep? I just want to zone and be. It would be nice to sleep this experience away but I know that is a dream.
"Life sucks sometimes" is one of the phrases that rings in my head over and over. I know it is not a profound statement but it is the best my mind, body and soul can muster together right now. Yes, I have phrases like "this too shall pass" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" and "if He brings you to it, He will pull you through it" playing time and again in my head but "life sucks" is more pronounced and singing or screaming louder than anything else at the moment.
Why am I writing about this? Maybe I am on a journey to healing. Maybe I just want to scream out what I am feeling in the hopes that someone will understand and help me through this and tell me that one day I will be okay? Maybe I am writing because this feels so unreal and writing about it will make it more real for me? I also hope that for those who have not had this experience that they can find some sympathy or an understanding of what a women who miscarriages may go through the first few days. No one in my family has had this experience. I am blessed to be the first for our family. I don't even feel comfortable calling anyone and crying to them because I doubt they will understand my pain and loss. I can't even recall any of my closest friends having this experience. Just so you know, I am not having all these emotions because I have had little to no sleep. As far as I believe, these emotions are from the extreme loss I feel. And, the deep sadness I know that a dream is over.
I woke up for the first time today in 6 weeks and I do not feel pregnant. In two more days I was going to be 9 weeks pregnant. My boobs are no longer tender and full. That amazingly hard almost rock like feeling that is attached to my body, is gone! It's all completely gone! That little blessing that was created with love and a deep desire for is officially not growing any more inside of me. My sweet lil baby, My Miracle, my ray of hope, my faith that everything and every moment of good has ended. That feeling that I need to eat to feed my child is no longer there. I do not want food. No food for me, thanks! My sense of bliss is totally and completely gone as well.
I was not prepared at all to wake up this morning and feel this way. We just found out from our doctor yesterday that the babies sweet little heart had stopped. I was not prepared for this today Not because of the emotions of loss but because of how my body has or is changing now. We just received the news 12 hours ago. Even though our babies sweet little heart stopped beating just a few days ago.
Isn't it funny how we can let the smallest little things not come into our minds and then be hit with the reality? If you have experienced this loss. I am sorry. I Am So Very Sorry! I wonder, how long this pain of loss will last? I have a lot of questions right now and knowing my mind, my soul and my personality, I will be asking a lot of questions in the coming days and wondering about every minuet detail.
I am not questioning God. I know HE loves me and cares for me. I know he cares for my family too. I know his heart probably aches for my pain. I have faith HE will help me to get through this because honestly, I do not know how I would get through this if I did not believe in him and his compassion for me. I still love him and trust he will help us through this journey. I am not sure why I get to have this experience or why he thinks I am strong enough or what I am suppose to learn from this loss though. I will say it is really difficult knowing we had K with absolutely No problems and I loved every minute of carrying her and then I was overwhelmed with the amazing beauty of birthing her and watching her grow into a sweet lil blessing from him to now enduring 4 yrs of no pregnancies. Not one successful time. With months and months of trying and too many doctors appointments to even begin to think about or even count and then wham! Just as I thought I could not hold on any more and I was thinking of calling it quits we get 2 months of pure bliss. Only to suffer a loss, Oh! It hurts! Trust me, this hurts!
So, I have joined a new club. It is a club of women who have suffered from the loss of a miscarriage. The loss of a child. The loss of a dream. The blessing that only God can give. I have officially traveled from a club where I was able to conceive so easily, to a club of not being able to get pregnant which to this day baffles doctors and, now I am in a new club. I am not sure that I wanted this invitation but... I'm in it now.
Now that everything is out in the open and I am making our experience public, I will probably one day soon add all of the other entries I have written about our journey over the last few years. I was not adding them to our blog before now due to the fear of criticism but those fears seem so small compared to this event.
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