Sunday, March 6, 2011

Decision Made

I have found some peace.  Don't get me wrong.  I am still wounded and troubled on occassion by many small reminders but otherwise I feel good about our decision and what is next in our life and road together.

We will try IVF again.  Not tomorrow because right now, it's a matter of waiting.  We need to get the money together "once again."  Then we will also have to wait our turn at the clinic.  Wi!ford Ha!l does not schedule appointments for IVF patients every month.  They do their IVF procedures in Jan, Apr and Aug of each year.  They see 3 to 4 groups (weeks) of IVF patients.  I have No Idea how many total patients they see a day or month but I know they have long. crazy. busy. days during IVF cycles.  These doctors still continue to see their IUI patients as well as perform any other hospital functions such as making rounds, weekend calls, dealing with any patient pressing issues and seeing "new patients."

After W and I gave ourselves time to think and heal from this failed cycle,  we decided we would like to try IVF one more time.  Here is our thought...  I am not getting any younger.  Yes, people over 40 have children all the time.  But, Do I want to be pregnant over 40?  No, not really, but you know, I trust God.  God has a plan for our family and if his plan for us is to spend quality time with K and grow together even more before we add to our lil nest, then I will accept it.  Even at the ripe age of 40.  It is so funny to me how our opinions and views can change or grow on some issues.  Right now, what was My Plan has not worked out.  I would have had our 3 kids and a beautiful busy life if we were living according to my dream.  But, there is a purpose greater than I can see... I know that!  Do I like it that my plan is not falling into place?  I will answer that with a question.  Can I change it?  No, I have tried!  I am hardheaded and it seems possible that God needed me to hit the wall a few times before I was still enough to listen to him on this topic.  I can now see that my desire, monterary means, age, stress, weight, etc etc can not change any of what I have or do not have currently.   I thought I knew all that but I now think God needed W and I to grow closer to each other again and to Him again.  Are we being tested and molded into something new?  Something greater? 

What I can change and will prepare for this next time is to have a positive outlook.  We will not give up yet.  God said our road here on earth will not be easy all the time.  This could possibly be "our time" to show our faith, our persistence and some grace.  I have also researched a lot and discovered if I want to "help" myself some, I may be able to add a few supplements to my daily routine to possibly help my egg quality.  I am also leaning toward checking out acupuncture.  I have had several friends who have utilized these services with great success and positive outcomes.  I figure I will also try to lose a few pounds the next few months before it's our time to cycle again.  Can't hurt, right!  I know I have been told repeatedly about no dieting becasue it can greatly change your numbers and affect your egg quality or quantity but I am not going to be extreme and try to starve myself or anything.  I think I will try to be smarter about what I am eating and HOW MUCH.   Stepping away from the table a bit sooner should help, right? 

That's the decision we have made for now.  We think we will be asked to be a part of the April cycle but we are not certain about that.  The doctors will give us a call when they start planning for the next cycle.