Thursday, August 26, 2010

Trusting your instincts and Answers to questions

Over two years ago I sat in a bathtub bawling after a full day of dealing with patient advocates at R@nd0lph.  We were trying to get me into the inferti!ity program at Wi!ford H@ll or in to see an Ob/Gyn to see IF there was something wrong with me.  We had already ruled out any possible issues with Wade so it was time to investigate my medical history.  We needed to find out WHY we could not get pregnant after almost 2 years of trying every month.  I was soaking in my bath when I became overwhelmed with emotions from the all the conversations and events.  I was bawling nonstop and in walked Wade.  He asked me "what was wrong." I shared with him how overcome I was with this uncontrollable fearful emotion that "the road we are about to take is going to be long and hard." Wade being sweet and optimistic leaned over and said... "we will find a way, and this process has just started, be hopeful!" Wow! That was over 2 years ago and here we are... still trying with the help of doctors.

Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality.  (I am more of a realist.)  The reality for me is we may never have another child.  We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own.  We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again.  Yep.  That reality - sucks!  When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly.  I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us.  It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life.  Including those in our families.  This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being.  On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall.   OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade.  Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am,  they do enter my mind and make me wonder.   

Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI  (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage.  We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes.  We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month".  This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim.  Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff.  We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles.  More injectibles!  Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!!  I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too.  Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots.  I wonder if he even imagined doing that?  I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach.  How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle?   We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle.  Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional.  Awe, the waiting begins...

Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month?  What does God have in store for us?  I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now.   Do you wonder how long I will hang in there?  Do you wonder why I  (or we) put myself through all of this?  Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide?  I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience.  All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family.  We get as educated as we can each month.  I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens.  I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us.  I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be.  That is all we can do."   Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.

So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt?  It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why?  Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources.  We need  no, have to be at peace or in a place of comfort with the fact that we have tried the best we could to utilize all our current available resources, energy, etc to have our OWN child before we can consider moving onto someone else's child.  And yes, we know there are many wonderful amazing children waiting for the right loving christian parents.  We have seen and lived through this experience with a few of our dearest friends.  But, This process and experience of trying for your own child is not one where you get a suggestion and run with it.  Do you know the energy, time and expense that is invested into a cycle?   That just touches the surface of what we are dealing with each month.

It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado.  I was a mess!  I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us.  But, I gave myself time and I prayed.  I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby!  This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term.  A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy.  We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A Lack of Knowledge

I have learned as I have aged... There are times in our lives where we will not get answers to our questions. That is as long as we are here on earth.  Never in my life has that phrase been more apparent to me than this past summer. Two major events took place in our life that rocked my world!  They have changed the way I feel about everything.  I am not sure what is going on in my family or why it seems every few months something else is changing.  I am also not sure of some of the lessons we are to gain from these events But!  It is changing the way we (Wade and I or at least the way I) think and the way we look at our stay here on earth.   Nonetheless, these things are occurring and we are living through them.  Praise the Lord.  I know through many conversations that both Wade and I are operating in an overwhelmed, shaken nature these days and we are more aware of life on earth but we are taking tiny, little steps each second, minute, and day together.  Right now, it's the only way I can survive each day. 

Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite.  What heart shattering, life altering experiences!  I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months.  I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place.  I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss.  Does it make it any easier?  Definitely NOT!  They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed.  I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take.  I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year."  Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more?  If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness.  What would He want me to do?

Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it!   I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven.  Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again.  Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them.   Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying.  She is due early March 2011.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Princess K's Room

(I purchased these letters, painted them white then glued the fabric on. The fabric is from the baby bedroom I put together in Little R0ck before we moved.)

This post is for my SIL Heather who is currently working on her soon to be sweet baby girls nursery. We have been chatting together the last few weeks over this and that and I told her that I would post some pictures of K's room since she has not seen her room since it was transformed from a baby room to a big girl room two years ago. There are still a few small details that need to be fixed or taken care of but for the most part... it's together.

This is the only room in our house that I consider to be d.o.n.e. I have had fun finding all of the little nic knacks for K's room. I know it is a room that will be ever-evolving in our houses but that is okay because I LOVE to decorate. K's room was the first room in our house that I started decorating when we moved in and the first room that was finished in this house. You will notice from the pictures that some of them are dated from a few years ago.

This post is picture heavy but I designed it that way with a very specific purpose in mind. Insurance! Hopefully all of these pictures will help me to remember the specifics and give us the added benefit for documentation purposes when it is time to move again. If you think I am crazy please know we had an insurance claim around $20K when we moved here. It was Not fun or Pretty!

(this picture was taken today.)

(The picture on the wall was in my 1st apartment over my couch minus the boa)

(Mimi bought the canopy over the bed. We also used it around her crib too! )

(Aunt Carolyn purchased this chest and I recovered it and turned it into a toy chest which will hopefully be a hope chest one day.)
(the outfit and caterpillar are no longer in her room - sniff sniff)

( Papa bought the puppy dog b/c I had one as a little girl that was very similiar and this dog reminded him of my dog. He gave it to us the day we brought K home...Mothers Day 05. I fell in LOVE with this rug, knowing all the tea parties I wanted to have with K.)

(I see lots of make-up or dress up days here.)

(Nanna found this antique chair and I recovered it for her room.)

(Nana, my grandmother, made this basinett from my wedding gown train. One day it will be for K's children but for now it is a great bed for her babies.)

(Vintage Cabbage Patch clothes for my cabbage patch doll that K now plays with and for the one she got for Christmas last year.)

(This room was the 2nd room Wade put up crown molding in. He is very handy and I love that!)

(Some sweet friends from Pl*asant Valley church in Little R0ck gave me this and I cried when I read it - how very true it is and what a sweet memory to have of them!)

(These curtains took MONTHS to make but they scream princess and are a Perfect fit to her room!)

(The monogrammed pillow on the chair is from the baby crib bumpers Nana made. She made K's crib bedding too and it was hard to part with the bedding since it was so special to me so I had the monogrammed bumper made into a pillow after we moved K to her big girl bed.)

(I dreamed of a blue ceiling with clouds for her... blue skies and rainbows...)

(I love this grouping of pictures although I have since changed the larger picture on her bookcase but you can see our 1st sonogram picture of K - it shows her gorgeous face in utero.)

Baby girl please know that I have loved every minute I have spent shopping for the special details in your room. There is a lot of love behind many of the items in here. One day I will tell you about all of them and where or who they came from.

We are ecstatic to meet both of the little girls coming into our family. It's going to be so much fun being together and watching them grow up. It's truly a blessing! I wish I was closer to help more with all the shopping, spoiling and babysitting but please know I am always willing to chat or squeeze in a quick trip for my family. Love you!