Monday, August 16, 2010

A Lack of Knowledge

I have learned as I have aged... There are times in our lives where we will not get answers to our questions. That is as long as we are here on earth.  Never in my life has that phrase been more apparent to me than this past summer. Two major events took place in our life that rocked my world!  They have changed the way I feel about everything.  I am not sure what is going on in my family or why it seems every few months something else is changing.  I am also not sure of some of the lessons we are to gain from these events But!  It is changing the way we (Wade and I or at least the way I) think and the way we look at our stay here on earth.   Nonetheless, these things are occurring and we are living through them.  Praise the Lord.  I know through many conversations that both Wade and I are operating in an overwhelmed, shaken nature these days and we are more aware of life on earth but we are taking tiny, little steps each second, minute, and day together.  Right now, it's the only way I can survive each day. 

Oh, how life has been nuts! From our miscarriage late in June to my cousin Jeff and his wife Kammy losing their beautiful baby girl, Peyton, at 23 months old to a snake bite.  What heart shattering, life altering experiences!  I have never cried or questioned life like I have the past two months.  I have been on my knees more with these two events... trying to comprehend what happened and why, what could have happened, and why God allowed these two events to take place.  I do know that losing the baby Wade and I so deeply wanted was shocking, overwhelming and horrible for us because we have tried diligently for another child for 3 years now but our pain does seems a bit smaller, especially compared to my cousins loss.  Does it make it any easier?  Definitely NOT!  They are both losses and they cannot be replaced or changed.  I know without a doubt though that two very sweet little angels are waiting up in heaven for us!

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Lord, I am not sure how much more I can take.  I sure hope your coming is soon because I think I am ready after all the pain I have seen and felt this past year."  Then I have days where I think to myself that if God and Jesus had to endure all the pain they did in their lifetime, who am I to think I cannot endure any more?  If they can suffer through their trials and still live a wonderful, full, giving, open life, I too must try to press on and find some peace and happiness.  What would He want me to do?

Do I know without a doubt more today than yesterday that I am loved? YOU BETCHA!!! Do I know more than ever that Life is precious? You better believe it!   I cannot wait to meet our little boy up in heaven.  Maybe then we will get some answers to all our questions but then again.  Maybe by then we will understand more and not need them.   Please continue to pray for my cousin Jeff, his wife Kammy and their 3yr old boy Tristan as well as the baby that Kammy is carrying.  She is due early March 2011.

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