Thursday, August 26, 2010

Trusting your instincts and Answers to questions

Over two years ago I sat in a bathtub bawling after a full day of dealing with patient advocates at R@nd0lph.  We were trying to get me into the inferti!ity program at Wi!ford H@ll or in to see an Ob/Gyn to see IF there was something wrong with me.  We had already ruled out any possible issues with Wade so it was time to investigate my medical history.  We needed to find out WHY we could not get pregnant after almost 2 years of trying every month.  I was soaking in my bath when I became overwhelmed with emotions from the all the conversations and events.  I was bawling nonstop and in walked Wade.  He asked me "what was wrong." I shared with him how overcome I was with this uncontrollable fearful emotion that "the road we are about to take is going to be long and hard." Wade being sweet and optimistic leaned over and said... "we will find a way, and this process has just started, be hopeful!" Wow! That was over 2 years ago and here we are... still trying with the help of doctors.

Today, I'm back on the roller coaster. This roller coaster is where my emotions roll from great, positive and hanging onto every ounce of faith I have and can find in any given day, week or month to then facing reality.  (I am more of a realist.)  The reality for me is we may never have another child.  We may never know what God has planned for our family and why we could not have another one on our own.  We may not get that positive pregnancy sign on a stick again.  Yep.  That reality - sucks!  When these emotions hit me, they hit, and they hit hard and it hurts badly.  I know there are worse things that can happen in life but right now, this is it for us.  It's an experience where you dream of having something and you know that it is attainable. Many, many people have babies every minute from ALL walks of life.  Including those in our families.  This experience certainly can shake every fiber of my being.  On bad days, it makes me feel not even 1 mm tall.   OR that I have failed as a mother to K or a wife to Wade.  Yes, these are only momentary thoughts but as the "analytic" that I am,  they do enter my mind and make me wonder.   

Monday was my bad day. I went to bed Sunday evening decently early (11pm) and got up frantically at 5:20am. I woke my sweet little girl at 5:45 and hit the road to make my first round of IUI  (intr@uterine ins*mination) doctor appointments again after our miscarriage.  We signed into the lab and waited, I gave more blood, We signed into the infertility clinic and waited for more than an hour before being flagged for an exam room and then in the exam room, we waited for 10 more minutes.  We were then invited into the ultrasound room and we heard the words 7(my uterus lining) , 9 over 10 left, 9 over 12 right and then the doctor said "your ovaries look good and this is the plan for this month".  This month I am on 75mg of F0l!istim.  Dr K titrated me down from 100mg because I responded so well in April when we fell pregnant and this month I have 2 more days of injections. Hence, 75mg of the good stuff.  We then headed to the pharmacy and waited for my drugs - injectibles.  More injectibles!  Have I said I HATE NEEDLES!!!!??!!!  I hate what my stomach looks like after 8 or 9 days of injections too.  Wade is getting lots of experience with giving me shots.  I wonder if he even imagined doing that?  I definitely do not feel attractive when I am getting daily shots in the stomach.  How can someone feel attractive after giving themselves shots to control their fertility cycle?   We left the hospital and came home from my doctors appointment to the reality that once again life was in a precarious 2 week cycle.  Our first 2 weeks of a cycle are determined by doctor appointments, injection timings, blood work appts, ultrasounds and then the IUI ins*mination appointment. The next 2 weeks of the month are easier on our schedule but a bit more emotional.  Awe, the waiting begins...

Do I feel pregnant? Will it be this month?  What does God have in store for us?  I have been wondering and asking those questions for years now.   Do you wonder how long I will hang in there?  Do you wonder why I  (or we) put myself through all of this?  Do you think I am not having faith that God will provide?  I have read many blogs, studies and infertility boards where these words were said to a woman going through this experience.  All I can say is that for my experience and my journey, I pray several times a day that God guides us on the right path and that He helps us to make the right decisions for our family.  We get as educated as we can each month.  I know God can give us a child and I know there may be a day when it happens.  I have faith in Him and in ourselves and the RE (reproductive endocrinologists) who are currently treating us.  I also understand there may come a day when we have to say, "We gave it our best and it just was not meant to be.  That is all we can do."   Thank goodness Monday was my first bad day in 7 weeks.

So another question we have been asked or suggested to consider... Are we ready to adopt?  It's a simple answer... No, Not yet. Why?  Life was not promised by God to be easy or fair, we are still "unexplained." We are still decently young and we believe God has had his hand in our decisions and opened doors for us. We also do not feel like we have exhausted our current resources.  We need  no, have to be at peace or in a place of comfort with the fact that we have tried the best we could to utilize all our current available resources, energy, etc to have our OWN child before we can consider moving onto someone else's child.  And yes, we know there are many wonderful amazing children waiting for the right loving christian parents.  We have seen and lived through this experience with a few of our dearest friends.  But, This process and experience of trying for your own child is not one where you get a suggestion and run with it.  Do you know the energy, time and expense that is invested into a cycle?   That just touches the surface of what we are dealing with each month.

It's funny and odd to me having these feelings because I thought I had dealt with all these emotions. I have been so good and positive lately and then Monday, I was hit like a tornado.  I was a mess!  I guess early mornings, waking my sweet lil girl up way to early, hormones and uncertainty can bring down the best of us.  But, I gave myself time and I prayed.  I am back up and I am not thinking about what I am doing (the shots) each day and just taking it for the team and enrichment of our family. This team wants a baby!  This team wants a healthy baby that I can carry to term.  A baby that will grow and share life experiences with K as well as her mommy and daddy.  We also would like to have a baby to celebrate this gift that only God has given all of us - our time here on earth together.

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